The movies always depict the “sparks that fly” when a man meets a woman for the first time. Their chemistry is undeniable–the smiles, batting eyelashes, and beaming smiles show their “love” for each other–or is it? What if several years down the road, the woman says to herself, “I am not compatible with my husband!” What is she to do?
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The truth is, if people relied on compatibility as the basis of love, divorce rates would be much higher than what it already is. Love isn’t just about having the same likes and dislikes, it’s about the lasting commitment that you’ve set in stone since the day you spoke your vows to each other.
However, one cannot sometimes help to feel that they are not compatible with their spouses. What are some ways to deal with this situation?
Not compatible with my husband or wife: What to do?
Clear out any present or past hurts
The heart and mind can be a messy place. Sometimes, the hurts that have accumulated in the past can long dwell in the present, making those who are supposedly in love feel like that they are incompatible.
Thus, as a couple, you need to clear out any offenses that may get in the way of your partnership. What I do with my husband is to spend alone time with him and talk to him about things that he has done or said that may have hurt me. This prevents holding grudges that will turn into poison and make you have thoughts about being incompatible.
What are some things you have to remember?
- Be specific: What instance caused you to feel offended?
- Avoid blame: Phrase your words to focus on your thoughts and feelings rather than the deed.
- What can be done: What suggestions can you do next time to avoid these offenses?
A Bible verse that reminds me of clearing out any offenses as a couple is this: “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13
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Remind yourself of what made you fall in love
No matter how it’s hard to see right now, there is some reason why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. Of course, all you can think of right now would be, “I am not compatible with my husband!” or “I can’t stand my wife!”–but years (or even months back), there was something that made you fall head over heels.
Now is the time to think about those positive traits that made you love each other. A great way to do this is to write in print your spouse’s great qualities. On times that my husband can get into my nerves, I remind myself that he is responsible, loving, hardworking and sweet. These are the traits that made me fall in love.
You can be as free to write even sweet memories you had with each other. Who knows, you may even be inspired to recreate those memories in the present times.
You can save your marriage, even when you feel like you’re incompatible.
A little space would do
There are some situations where space can be a good thing. For one, it helps you think clearly instead of bickering non-stop with your husband or wife. If you are prone to think, “I am not compatible with my husband!” or “I always disagree with my wife!”–then maybe you can clear up some headspace by going away for a while.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll leave your responsibilities and take off for a vacation. Although that would help in some situations, most of the time couples would only need a quiet time or a place in the house where they can think on their own and let the anger simmer down.
At this time, you can meditate on God’s Word and let the Holy Spirit speak to you. Sometimes, when you’re filled with thoughts that make you angry, it is harder to hear God’s voice. Use this time of silence to listen to what God is really saying, and make up when both of you are calm.
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Ephesians 4:26
Listen to what God is saying
What does God say about marriage and this sanctified union? A verse in Genesis states that when a couple is married, they are already one in the flesh: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.
This means that regardless of earthly compatibility, in your unity, God sees you as one unit. Your union is made for His glory, thus, it is rightful to think and act in ways that honors Him.
It is easy to fall in love, but marriage is hard work. It is loving even when all you want to do is leave, and working it out even when you sometimes think, “I am not compatible with my husband”, or “I am not feeling connected with my wife.”
God will never let a marriage perish if it is His will. Ultimately, your situation is unique, but if you let God work through you as a couple and also as individuals, your marriage will surely flourish.
I hope these simple insights and strategies help you out. Even when thoughts about being incompatible get in the way, there is always a solution with God at the center of your marriage.
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