One of the most constant things that happen in this world is conflict. We see it everywhere – in our nation, in different races, in schools, in workplaces, in relationships, and in families. Perhaps you’ve arrived in this blog wondering about how to move on from family conflict.
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Why is there conflict? Why can’t we prevent conflict from happening?
I, too, have a fair share of experiencing conflicts with the people I am with and it usually starts with me disagreeing with the other. These disagreements range from not agreeing with how I am treated, unmet expectations, unfulfilled promises, to not accepting their opinions about certain matters. When I try to see when and how conflicts happen, it is mostly because of the difference or uniqueness of each individual to perceive a situation. When both sides don’t have a mutual ground, and won’t try to look each other on the eye, conflicts arise.
Conflict is defined as a clash, argument, or an active disagreement between people as a result of differences in thought processes, attitude, interests, and perceptions. Since each of us are unique, have different backgrounds, and have our own personalities and characters, conflict will happen – even if we don’t want it to.
[Special] How to move on from family conflict? Quickly diffuse arguments
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The seventeen key principles for transforming conflict—in a beautiful package from the creator of The 48 Laws of Power
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As much as possible, we try to steer clear from conflict because it’s emotionally draining and exhausting. It makes us feel different kinds of emotions strongly like anger, sadness, impatience, and hopelessness. Well, these depend on which person you have a conflict with, however these are mostly true when you are in conflict with the ones you love the most.
Let’s specifically talk about conflicts in the family. I believe ALL of us have and had conflicts in our families, one way or another. And this kind of conflict feels more burdensome as compared to other people. Maybe because it’s family. They are the ones we grew up with, sleep with, eat with, and live with. They are the people in our lives that no matter how annoying or irritating they become, we still have this unexplainable bond and love towards them. We share the same genetic make-up and blood with them.
This is the reason why it feels unbearable and heavy when we have conflicts with our families.
Are you experiencing this right now? Are you having conflict with a family member? Is it getting worse as days pass by?
I don’t know why it happened or what are reasons for the disagreement between you and your family, but let me encourage you that no matter how hopeless the situation might be, God is in control of you and your family’s situation. It might look unredeemable and hopeless, but know that we can always put our hope in God.
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You might be asking how to move on from family conflict? How can you live daily knowing that you are not in good terms with a family member?
There are 4 ways I’d like to share for you to know how to move on from family conflict.
How To Move On From Family Conflict: 4 Ways
Choose to run to God
When I have conflicts with a member of the family, I try to calm myself first by running to God. Pouring my heart out to God through prayer gives me peace. Instead of acting out the negative emotions that I feel, pouring out to God keeps me from doing things that I’ll regret later. Instead of me lashing out on the person, the peace of God helps me have a quiet and a gentle spirit.
Whenever dealing with the family dramaand the conflict is overwhelming, choose to run to God first. Why?
Because God is Sovereign.This means that God is above everything. Just like what is said in Colossians 1:16-17, “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” We can always run to God whenever we have conflicts because we know He is above everything. And knowing that He is above everything, we know that He can turn our situation around if we ask Him to and if it is according to His sovereign will.
Because God knows and sees everything.God sees you. He knows what happened, what you feel, when and why the conflict started. If there is anyone who understands what you feel, it’s God. When you run to God, He can give you the comfort that you need, will satisfy you and will sustain you during these hard times.
Because God can give you the wisdom on how to move on from family conflict you are experiencing.Running to God means that you acknowledge that the situation you are in is out of your control. The good news is, since God is sovereign, He is in control of everything that is happening – even the conflict in your family. And because He is in control of everything, He knows the steps that you need to take for you to know how to deal with the toxic family relationships around you. When you run to God, you allow yourself to be guided and led by the One who knows how to take you out of that situation.
Choose to forgive
This one is the hard part – FORGIVENESS.
I know, I know! You might say, “Why would I forgive them for what they did to me? IT’S UNFAIR.” But hear me out.
Forgiveness is essential for healing to start.
You were hurt. You were offended. They have stepped on your boundaries and you can’t take it anymore. Or, it can be the other way around. You hurt them. You offended them. You may have stepped on boundaries that they can’t take anymore.
Whichever it is, and no matter how hard it is, choose to forgive. Why? Because forgiveness opens the door for healing.
[Special] How to move on from family conflict: Learning forgiveness
How to Forgive When You Can’t: The Breakthrough Guide to Free Your Heart and Mind – 4th EDITION
Nobel Peace Prize winner, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Mpho Tutu acknowledged Dr. Jim Dincalci for his contribution to their book, The Book of Forgiving, and spending “over twenty-five years counseling and teaching people who are struggling to forgive.”
Forgiveness: Is easier said than done.
You have been wronged and you cannot get past it. Whatever the cause of your resentment, you are finding it extremely difficult to forgive and forget. Maybe you are not even sure you want to.
Who is really being hurt?
The person you are hurting most by holding on to your resentment and anger is yourself. Unforgiven offenses eat at you, whether you know it or not, infusing your life with a bitterness that prevents you from finding peace.
Essentially, refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
How to Forgive When You Can’t will help you move past your upsets. Forgiveness is not as simple as saying the words, I forgive you. It is not that artificial. Instead, forgiveness is a process. Through clear-cut strategies and compassion-inspiring stories, Dr. Dincalci teaches you the techniques that will enable you to work through your emotions on the road to peace and joy. Find in Amazon.
Even if they did not apologize, choose to forgive them. You don’t need to tell them immediately but you have to reach a resolution to forgive them. Remember, everyone is a work in progress, including you. All of us are imperfect and we will fail the people we love. But that does not mean that we end the relationship just because they caused you pain. Even if it’s too much, still choose to forgive them in your own time. If it is you who caused the conflict, then I urge you to forgive yourself. Always remember that you are a work in progress and you will do things that can offend others, unintentionally or intentionally. But don’t define yourself based on these circumstances. Choose to forgive yourself.
Forgiving someone or forgiving yourself is like letting go of the rope with a heavy stone on the other end. The more you hold onto that stone, the more tightly will the rope be wrapped around your hand. If you let go of the stone, the rope will be released, freeing you from the pain of holding on.
Forgiveness opens the door for healing to enter.
Choose to forgive.
Choose humility and try to resolve the conflict
I personally struggle in dealing with toxic family members. I feel like I’m just wasting my time if I try to explain myself to them, knowing that they would never choose to listen to what I’m saying. However, whenever I choose not to deal with the conflict by trying to ignore them, I discovered that I’m nurturing hatred and pride in me. I become entitled, only looking at my own perspective. Then, it made me realize, I don’t like dealing with toxic family members but I, myself, have also become a toxic member.
If we want to move on from family conflict, we should be willing to humble ourselves and be open to conflict resolution.
How do you do this?
Be open minded.Try to look at the other side of the situation, not just on what you see and feel. Think of the family member you are in conflict with and try placing yourself in his/her position. Will you be offended? Would you react the same way? This way, by being open-minded, you get to look at both sides of the situation.
Be brave and be open to healthy confrontation.When I say healthy confrontation, this means that you are ready – mind, hear, emotions – to discuss the conflict. Make sure that the family member must be willing to engage in the discussion in a calm manner.
Humility goes a long way. When we choose to humble ourselves, it is a gesture of telling them that having them in your life is much more important than the disagreement that happened. And when there is humility, any conflict will be resolved.
Choose to have a heart of acceptance
Whenever we have conflicts in the family, I have certain expectations about the things that I want to happen. I expect them to say sorry or to show me that they are willing to resolve the conflict. However, most of the time, I’m frustrated because my expectations are unmet. This, in turn, makes me furious and makes it difficult for me to move on from the conflict.
However, I realized that sometimes, I have to accept that it doesn’t always end up the way I want it to. I learned that I need to learn to accept the reality.
Choose to have a heart of acceptance. Once you accept the situation in your family and accept that the expectations you have may not exactly happen, it gives you peace. Peace, in a way, that it lets you live life without the condemnation of what happened, knowing that what happened is still under God’s control.
Ask God to give you a heart of acceptance and to trust that no matter hopeless the situation is, God is in control.
How to move on from family conflict can be a challenge, but rest assured, if you surrender it in God’s hands and trust that He is doing something in your family, you can move on. Conflicts in the family will be resolved in time. Just like what the saying says, “Let go and Let God.”
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