I never knew mommy guilt was a thing before I became a mom myself. Yes, I knew there’s busy moms, tired moms, and super moms—but guilty moms? Turns out there’s so much things a mom like me can be guilty about. At first, it was hard for me to know how to let go of guilt.
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When expectations are high and the pressure is real
There’s so much pressure put on the roles we take. Kids right now are pressured to excel academically even before they turn 5 years old. Employees are required to do overtime without pay. There’s an unspoken expectation for people in their 30s to partner up and marry.
As for me, a mom’s gold standard is to have a natural, unmedicated birth, exclusively breastfeeding, all-organic food and screen-free baby. All these while looking awesome, keeping your home tidy, and a warm dinner ready before the husband comes home.
Count me guilty
I am one of those moms who can’t keep up to that ‘standard’. I don’t always look my best or act my best. My baby’s voracious appetite outrun my breastmilk supply, so I had to supplement my formula. My husband sometimes comes home to a disorganized living room with toys and dishes to wash in the kitchen. One day, I even found my baby having scratches on his face for consecutive times in weeks. Try as I can, I’ll never be that gold standard mom. And for that, I felt guilty. I thought to myself, am I a bad mom?
I’ve had other instances in my life where I felt guilty about a lot of things. I shouldn’t have said those words. That was a stupid thing to do. I never should have done that! Sometimes, thoughts that make me guilty suddenly pop out of nowhere–which I guess is normal, but I don’t want to be bothered by them anymore. I needed to find a way on how to let go of guilt.
When guilt becomes overwhelming
Guilty thoughts about motherhood and all other things would haunt me occasionally, until I recently came across a video of a woman’s story that God used to change my perspective.
Her name is Alexis D’Achille. She had a pretty normal pregnancy, until she gave birth and things turned for the worse. She went through postpartum depression after delivery. Like some moms, she was sleep deprived and breastfeeding wasn’t natural to her. She had so many struggles in those first 6 weeks postpartum.
They sought help but the medical experts shrugged it off by saying, “She will be fine”. Ultimately, she ended her life because of mom guilt, feeling depressed, and mental health struggles. She didn’t get the support she needed for postpartum depression and psychosis. It was a sad story, but it inspired me like what her family hopes her legacy to be.
I reflected on her story and the things that make me feel guilty as a mom and as a whole. Through God’s grace, this is when I realized how to let go of guilt. If you’re going through guilty thoughts, I hope this post encourages you.
How to let go of guilt: What to do
Acknowledge the guilt, but don’t let it stay
One thing I realized about guilt is that you have to acknowledge it. If you keep putting it off, you can’t really process why you are having those emotions.
Maybe you’re guilty about something because it’s unfinished business. Perhaps it’s because you constantly compare yourself to other people. You have to acknowledge that you’re guilty about something.
The great thing about guilt is that even if you feel this way, it doesn’t mean that what you’re guilty about is true. One day, my baby AJ scratched himself while asleep. While he had that big scab on his face, I felt guilty and dismissed myself as a bad mom. I may be guilty, but am I guilty for being a bad mom?
Sometimes our minds exaggerates things to the point that they make conclusive thoughts without any basis. Yes, you have to acknowledge the guilt–but let it just be a guest in your head. Do not make it your friend.
[Recommended] How to let go of guilt: Surrendering to the Holy Spirit
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Have you done something about it?
Another reason why guilt continues to stay is because we remain passive about it. We haven’t asked for forgiveness. We didn’t do what we said we would do. Or maybe we didn’t seek God’s forgiveness.
I thought about the many things I was guilty about–both in the aspect of mommy guilt and just me as a person. I realized that I have already done what I am supposed to do in each situation and the resources given to me.
Realize that no one has the same personality, circumstance, or situation as you. If you have done your best to act on that guilt, then surrender it to God because there are just some things not under your control.
Going back to my baby’s scratch–yes, I was not able to control his middle-of-the-night scratching, but the next day, I cut his nails and applied a healing salve. That scratch didn’t make me a bad mom. What I did about it bears more weight than that.
Surrender your guilt to God.
There are many resources that say, “Surrender your guilt to God” but for me, that seems vague. How do you exactly surrender in your thoughts and actions?
For me, surrendering comprises of 3 steps:
- Realizing that God is in control. Yes, this is the first step. God is sovereign, and no matter what you go through, whether you feel guilty about it or not, everything is in His hands.
- Act in faith. Now that you realize that everything is in God’s hands, it is time for you to act in faith and be your best in every situation. Have you wronged somebody, asked forgiveness, but the person won’t talk to you? Have patience.
- Press forward. This last step reminds me of Paul’s attitude towards the end of his ministry. He said in Philippians 3:14 to “press on toward the goal”. What is that goal? That is our heavenward calling, to become ambassadors for Christ while we are still living on this earth. Up to now, it still gives me goosebumps that the God of the universe has called us to do something. That’s enough for me to drop all feelings of inadequacy and guilt, and just press on towards His upward calling.
I hope these things help you learn how to let go of guilt. Whatever stage you are in life, know that guilt doesn’t have to follow you. You have the capacity to be free!
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