Before, I always believed that when you find “the one” and marry them, your life will be full of bliss and will be complete. However, based on how marriages go in society nowadays, I can see that what I believe does not happen most of the time. People were married over the years, because of familiarity, end up drifting apart and becoming distant from one another. What started as something so beautiful and full of life turned into something that is so dull and lifeless. Thus many people have thoughts such as “I feel alone in my marriage”, or “This marriage may not be for me”.
Why do people feel alone in their marriage?
Some people feel alone in their marriage because life got in the way, or some hidden resentments remain unsolved. Whatever the cause is, there is a guide that can help you save your marriage, even if you feel alone:
How to save your marriage alone
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If you can relate to what I’m saying, I want to let you know that you don’t have to be ashamed. You are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who can say, “I feel alone in my marriage”.
Loneliness is one of the most difficult things to overcome for it is different kind of pain that results in isolation and wanting to distance oneself from people. The danger of feeling loneliness is that it creates this gap between you and your spouse and instead of fixing the problem, it gets worst.
Yes, it is scary to see that both of you are drifting apart. But know that there is hope. There are ways to overcome loneliness in your marriage.
Run to God
Feeling lonely in marriage is a reality that is out of your control. But be reminded that you can always run to the one who is in control of everything. You can always run to God.
This means that you find a place where you can cry and pour out yourself to Him, every single day. Tell Him what is inside your heart, your worries, your doubts, and your anxieties. Tell Him everything for He longs to be with you in your toughest time. Being an all-knowing God, He knows it already but He desires a relationship with you, where you can be honest and be yourself. Don’t worry, He knows how to handle you and your situation for He is the one who created you. Communicate to God and ask Him to guide you on the steps that you need to take to defeat the condition of your marriage. Nothing is impossible with Him and He can do it.
Loneliness in marriage is like walking through a dark valley. But fear not for God has promised that even though you walk through the darkest valley, God is with you. He will comfort you (Psalm 23:4). Then you will see that despite feeling alone, you never were. God is with you, all this time.
Assess the cause of your loneliness
Another that can help you cope up with loneliness in marriage is to assess and see the cause of why you are feeling that way. Pause and take a step back to see the possible reasons of your loneliness. If you can, get a piece of paper and write every single reason you can find. In this way, you can objectively see that situation rather than relying on your emotions alone.
You can answer the questions like, “Is there a change in my spouse’s action?”, “What was the situation that triggered this?”, “Is there something that I did that caused this?”, “Was I or my spouse offended by a certain situation or action?”
As much as possible, be open-minded in doing this and try to see the side of your spouse as well. It also helps to focus on the reasons why you married them rather than looking only at your frustrations and disappointments. I know it is hard but acknowledging the reality of your situation and evaluating it objectively can be the start of healing.
Communicate with your spouse
Once you determined the cause of your loneliness, it’s time to do the hardest part – communicating it to your spouse. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship but is the most difficult to do, most especially when you are offended or you feel lonely. Yes, the easy way out is to ignore and just go with the flow but problems will never be fixed in this matter. Communication is the first step to overcome loneliness.
Set a date and time with your spouse to talk about what you feel. And when you do, be gentle with your words and avoid hurtful and harsh phrases (Proverbs 15:1). Make sure that when you talk, both of you are calm and are open in listening to one another. If you can, pray and ask God to guide you both before you start communicating. And when you communicate, specifically go through the reasons why you feel lonely in your marriage. In this way also, you will be able to know your spouse’s side and understand why it happened.
Solve the problem together
After communicating what you feel, try to ask your spouse how both of you can solve the loneliness that you feel. Find ways to spend more time together. Set regular dates and do activities together. Be genuine and interested in how their day went and be intentional in communicating with your spouse. Remember that you are one with your spouse, so try to solve the problem together.
Find some trusted friends you can confide and pray with
Once you’ve done this, seek accountability with a trusted friend and confide with them. Even though the problem is between you and your spouse, it is important to have someone you trust to confide with to check the progress of your marriage. Be willing to listen to what they say about your situation. It is helpful to have someone that is not emotionally involved in your situation since they can offer ways and helpful tips based on how they see it.
Whenever you are in a situation where you can say, “I feel alone in my marriage”, be comforted in the fact that everything in this world is temporary and your situation will soon come to pass. You and your spouse can overcome this and God is with you. You are never alone.
Words by: Hannah Aloyon
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